Finding a Compatible Partner
Finding the right person for a lavender marriage requires different considerations than traditional romantic dating. You're looking for someone compatible in practical, logistical, and values-based ways—not necessarily romantic chemistry.
⚠️ Safety Warning: Never share identifying information publicly. Use platform messaging first. Be extremely cautious about scams.
Where to Find Potential Partners
Online Communities
- LGBTQ+ forums (Reddit, Discord, Facebook groups)
- Community discussion boards
- International platforms (Xinghun apps in China)
- This site's forum: Community discussions
Personal Networks
- Close LGBTQ+ friends in similar situations
- Friends of friends (trusted referrals)
- College/university alumni networks
- LGBTQ+ community organization members
Advantage: Pre-existing trust, lower risk of deception
Cultural/Diaspora Communities
- Cultural community organizations
- Diaspora social events
- Cultural/ethnic LGBTQ+ groups
- Language-based communities
Advantage: Shared cultural context and understanding
Geographic Relocation
Time arrangement with moves:
- Moving to new city for work/school
- Immigration to new country
- Relocating away from family
Advantage: Fresh start, easier to present as traditional couple
Initial Screening: Essential Criteria
Non-Negotiable Compatibility Factors
1. Aligned Motivations
You need to want this for similar reasons:
- Both seeking family acceptance?
- Both need professional protection?
- Both facing immigration needs?
- Both wanting to co-parent?
🚩 Red Flag: Unclear or inconsistent motivations
2. Compatible Timeline
How long do you each envision this lasting?
- Short-term (1-5 years)?
- Medium-term (5-15 years)?
- Long-term/lifetime?
- Flexible/evolving?
3. Geographic Compatibility
- Where will you live?
- Willing to relocate if needed?
- Career/family ties to specific location?
4. Children Alignment
- Do you want children? Yes/No must match
- How many? Timeline?
- Parenting approaches aligned?
The Vetting Process
Stage 1: Initial Contact (Week 1-2)
- Anonymous online messaging only
- Discuss basic compatibility (motivations, timeline, geography)
- Share general life situation (not identifying details)
- Video chat to verify identity (not catfishing)
- Red flags end conversation immediately
Stage 2: Deeper Discussion (Week 3-6)
- Detailed discussion of arrangement expectations
- Living arrangements, finances, outside relationships
- Values alignment check
- Begin meeting in public places if local
- Share references if from personal networks
Stage 3: Due Diligence (Month 2-3)
- Financial disclosure and verification
- Background check consideration
- Meet friends/family (if safe to do so)
- Test living together temporarily (if possible)
- Consult attorney about prenup
Stage 4: Final Decision (Month 4+)
- Draft written agreements
- Attorney review of all agreements
- Final compatibility assessment
- Formal commitment or part ways
⚠️ Take Your Time
Rushing this process is dangerous. Minimum 3-6 months of vetting is recommended before committing to marriage. If someone pressures you to move faster, that's a red flag.
Common Scams to Watch For
- 🚩 Financial scams: Asking for money, access to accounts, or paying their expenses
- 🚩 Immigration fraud: Solely interested in green card/visa, not genuine arrangement
- 🚩 Catfishing: Fake photos, won't video chat, excuses for not meeting
- 🚩 Romance scam variant: Claims this is "business" but makes romantic advances
- 🚩 Identity theft: Requests for SSN, passport, financial documents prematurely
Next Steps
Protect yourself throughout the partner search process. Last updated: January 2025