Creating an Agreement
A clear, comprehensive agreement between lavender marriage partners is essential for a successful arrangement. While prenuptial agreements handle legal/financial matters, you also need practical agreements covering the day-to-day realities of your arrangement.
Two Types of Agreements
1. Legal Prenuptial Agreement
Purpose: Legally binding protection of financial interests
Created by: Licensed attorneys (one for each party)
Covers: Property division, spousal support, financial matters, estate planning
Enforceability: Legally binding when properly executed
2. Personal Understanding Document
Purpose: Clarify private arrangements and expectations
Created by: Partners together
Covers: Living arrangements, outside relationships, communication, boundaries, exit plans
Enforceability: NOT legally binding but provides clarity
⚠️ Important: Personal documents about arrangement's true nature could be discoverable in legal proceedings. Balance documentation with privacy.
What to Include in Your Agreement
Section 1: Basic Arrangement Terms
Purpose
Why are we entering this marriage?
- "Mutual protection from family pressure regarding sexual orientation"
- "Immigration stability while maintaining authentic identities"
- "Professional protection in conservative industry"
Duration
How long do we anticipate this arrangement?
- Specific timeframe (e.g., "5 years")
- Until trigger event (e.g., "until parent's death")
- Indefinite/lifetime with review periods
- Open-ended with mutual dissolution clause
Type
What configuration are we creating?
- Both LGBTQ+ / one LGBTQ+ + ally
- Living arrangements (cohabit fully/partially/separately)
- Whether arrangement includes parenting
Section 2: Living Arrangements
Primary Residence
- Will we live together? If so, where?
- How will we decide where to live?
- Can this change? Under what circumstances?
Space within Home (if cohabiting)
- Separate bedrooms or shared?
- Private spaces designated for each person?
- Guest policies for private spaces?
Household Responsibilities
- Division of chores and domestic labor
- Who handles what (cooking, cleaning, maintenance)?
- What happens if responsibilities aren't met?
Example Clause:
"We will maintain a shared two-bedroom apartment with separate bedrooms. Each bedroom is private space requiring permission to enter. Common areas (kitchen, living room) are shared with equal responsibility for cleanliness."
Section 3: Financial Arrangements
Shared Expenses
- What costs will we split? (rent, utilities, groceries)
- How will we split them? (50/50, proportional to income)
- Joint account for shared expenses or direct payments?
Separate Finances
- What remains completely separate?
- No financial responsibility for partner's personal expenses
- How to handle unexpected financial crises
Tax & Benefits
- File jointly or separately?
- Who carries health insurance?
- Life insurance beneficiaries?
Section 4: Outside Relationships
Critical Area for Clarity
Permission Structure
- Are outside romantic/sexual relationships allowed?
- For one partner, both, or neither?
- Any restrictions or requirements?
Disclosure Expectations
- Must we tell each other about outside partners?
- How much information should be shared?
- "Don't ask, don't tell" vs. full openness?
Practical Boundaries
- Can outside partners visit our home?
- Can we stay overnight at partners' homes?
- Advance notice required?
- Any off-limits times (family visits, holidays)?
Sexual Health
- STI testing requirements?
- Safe sex expectations?
- Disclosure if health status changes?
Section 5: Public Performance
Level of Performance
- How convincing must we appear?
- Physical affection in public required?
- Social media presence expectations?
- Who knows the truth vs. who doesn't?
Family Interactions
- Attendance at family events?
- Holidays and special occasions?
- Communication with each other's families?
- Boundaries around family intrusions?
Section 6: Communication & Conflict
Regular Check-ins
- Scheduled times to discuss arrangement
- Annual or semi-annual formal review
- Process for raising concerns
Conflict Resolution
- How will we handle disagreements?
- Mediation or counseling if needed?
- Dealbreakers and non-negotiables?
Section 7: Exit Strategy
Dissolution Triggers
- Under what conditions can we end this?
- Mutual agreement only, or can one partner exit?
- Notice period required?
Divorce Process
- How will we explain divorce to families?
- Who files and who pays legal costs?
- Timeline for completing divorce?
Post-Marriage Relationship
- Can we remain friends?
- Ongoing communication expectations?
- Confidentiality about arrangement after divorce?
Best Practices for Creating Your Agreement
- ✓ Be specific: Vague agreements lead to misunderstandings
- ✓ Discuss everything: Dont assume; make implicit expectations explicit
- ✓ Put it in writing: Even informally, written is better than verbal
- ✓ Review regularly: Life changes; agreements should too
- ✓ Both must agree: No one-sided terms
- ✓ Be honest: Hiding important needs will cause problems
- ✓ Build in flexibility: Allow for renegotiation as needed
- ✓ Protect privacy carefully: Balance documentation with discretion
Red Flags in Agreement Discussions
Be cautious if potential partner:
- Refuses to discuss or document agreements
- Becomes defensive or angry when you raise concerns
- Insists terms are "obvious" and don't need clarification
- Won't commit to specific boundaries or responsibilities
- Pressures you to accept terms you're uncomfortable with
- Changes agreed terms without discussion
- Dismisses your needs as unimportant
Next Steps
This guidance is for educational purposes. Consult legal professionals for binding agreements. Last updated: January 2025